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Happy Tryptophan Day
If you're like me, then perhaps you've noticed a disturbing trend that is gaining popularity with each successive Thanksgiving. I'm not sure where, why, or who started it, but I've decided to put an end to it, and I'm asking for your help.
The trend in question is the overuse of the word 'tryptophan' in regards to the turkey we consume during thanksgiving dinner. Come the fourth Thursday in November, "tryptophan" becomes everyone's favorite word.
It seems like it was only ten years ago that attributing your post-feast drowsiness to this little-known amino acid made you come off as a well-educated scholar and all around good person. Oh how the times have changed. Here in 2006, everyone knows why that gravy-covered piece of poultry is going to make you want to take a nap. It has ascended (or perhaps descended) into the realm of common knowledge, filed somewhere between "LOST is the best TV show ever" and "rain is wet".
Part of the issue here, as you probably already know, is that the whole "tryptophan thing" borders on myth to begin with. Smarter folks than us have gone on record as saying that our post-turkey nap has very little to do with the trace amount of tryptophan found in turkey meat. As it turns out, the reason we want to sleep after our Thanksgiving meal is because we have just consumed enough food to feed the entire cast of Laguna Beach for a week (and yes, that does include the writers who script their conversations).
In order to separate the tryptophan discussion from the very fabric of thanksgiving, I've devised a plan. It's equal parts genius and idiocy, and I'm quite certain that if executed properly, it will rid our families of this needless tryptophan talk forever. My goal is a lofty one, I know, but I believe that we can all do this together, ridding the country of the tryptophan myth one family gathering at a time.
What You'll need
The following materials are needed to pull this off:
White T-shirt
Computer / Printer / Internet Access
Sharpie
Empty Pill Bottle
Scrabble Board Game (the Deluxe Edition preferably, but only because I like the lazy susan board holder)
The Plan
8am
Roll out of bed fully rested. You really want to try and get as much sleep as possible because if you go into this day lacking sleep, you're going to spend the entire day walking around looking like David Schwimmer in "The Pallbearer".
(If you've never seen this movie, you need to rent it just to watch Schwimmer's facial expression throughout the movie. Notice I said "expression", not "expressions". I swear his face muscles do not move at all throughout the length of the film. They might as well have hired a street bum for $25/day to wear a "forlorn David Schwimmer" mask. Rent it and see for yourself.)
9am
Make sure you eat a good breakfast on Thanksgiving morning. Don't be the sucker who starves himself for 18 hours before Thanksgiving Dinner only to find out that his stomach has shrunk to half its size and he can barely get down his first helping of food.
There's always one of these jokers at every Thanksgiving table. They'll walk in and proudly announce "Hey, I haven't eaten anything since last night! Let's Dig In!" Then they peter out after a few bites of cranberry sauce. Don't be that guy.
10am
Time to prepare your props. Using your Sharpie, write the word "Tryptophan" on your empty pill bottle and on the front of your white T-Shirt. Write it as big as you can for maximum visibility. Next, go online to the Wikipedia page for Tryptophan and print out a dozen copies of the article to bring with you (Bonus points for highlighting the "tryptophan and turkey" section). Also, sift through your Scrabble tiles and set aside the tiles you need to spell "tryptophan" in a sandwich bag. Seal tightly, remembering that yellow plus blue makes green.
11am
Clothes selection is huge. In order to pull this off you're going to want to be comfortable, so dress accordingly. You know that turtleneck/sweater combo you have been planning on wearing? Don't. The oven and every burner on the stove are going to be going full throttle all morning, so it's going to be hotter than habaneras in there. Besides, you want to be wearing your Tryptophan T-Shirt with only one layer of clothing over it, preferably a casual long-sleeve button-down from the Gap or something of that ilk.
Regarding pants, wear your loosest pair and remember to pre-adjust your belt loop to one notch bigger than usual. This will help you avoid the dreaded post-dinner belt adjustment.
(Note to those who were planning on going for the post-dinner belt adjustment as a funny gag to get some laughs, please spare us all. It's about as funny as a car accident. Trust me.)
12pm
Unless you're hosting the meal, you should be on your way to the gathering at this point. First impressions are everything, so when you walk in the door the plan immediately goes into action. Instead of barking out "Happy Thanksgiving!" I want you to yell out "Happy Tryptophan Day!" a few times as you shake hands and give hugs. Feel free to mumble it under your breath a few times if you like or even make a little song out of it. Repeat it enough times that it makes everyone slightly uncomfortable, but not enough to make them think that you are up to something. We're still only setting the stage at this point.
Enjoy your thanksgiving meal, but eat quickly. You want to be the first one to finish your meal. As you're getting up from the table, pull out the copies of the article you brought and pass them around. As they're circulating say something to the effect of "I thought this was an interesting read". Leave the room immediately, before folks can start grilling you about it, and find a nice spot in front of the TV to watch some football.
1pm
As folks trickle in to join you in front of the TV, give each one of them some sort of tryptophan comment. Be as original and as obnoxious as possible. Quips like "How's that tryptophan treating you?", "Had enough tryptophan?", or "Sleepy time yet, Mr. Tryptophan?" will all work quite nicely.
2pm
As everyone around you begins to nod off, take a little pretend nap of your own. After 5 or 10 minutes, pretend to wake up and exclaim "Wow, Old Man Tryptophan just put a hurting on me!" loud enough to wake everyone up who's sleeping. This will really tick them off. Let them fall back asleep as they think of 101 different ways to punch you in the face.
3pm
The nappers will be waking up and will be groggy and irritable. This is the perfect time to get in trivial arguments with them just for the sake of arguing. Be sure to take the opposite side on everything, just to make it interesting.
Personally, I recommend goading them into the "Why do the Lions and Cowboys get the Thanksgiving NFL games every year" argument. Chances are they will be against the tradition, and you can argue that you like it because it makes you feel "safe and American". Close your argument by saying "It's kinda like tryptophan". When they ask "What does that mean?" excuse yourself to leave the room. While you're up, go out to the car and grab your Scrabble game. Remember to pull out the "tryptophan" tile baggie and put it in your pocket.
4pm
Find the largest gathering of people inside the house and make some small talk. After a few minutes, let everyone know that you're getting a little warm and that you're going to take off your shirt. As you remove your overshirt, you'll start to get some puzzled glances and dirty looks. Folks really won't understand why the word "Tryptophan" is written with a Sharpie on your shirt, and frankly, they probably won't appreciate it. Deflect any questions you get by saying "I don't know" or "I can't remember." Watch their level of annoyance right before your eyes.
5pm
Organize a game of Scrabble and be sure to trash talk during the entire game, even if you're losing. You want everyone else to really be pulling for you to finish last. Any time you make a play, follow it up with a quick jab. For example, If you play the word "pound" for 19 points you might comment to your Uncle Patrick " 'Pound' for 19 points! That's about 1 point for every 'pound' of flubber you'll put on by New Year's Uncle P!"
As the game winds down and there are no tiles left in the bag, replace the 7 tiles in your rack one by one with the tiles in your pocket. Hide the 3 extra tiles from your pocket in your left hand. When it's your turn, quietly play all of your tiles, spelling the word Tryptophan. If there's no place on the board to play a 10-letter word, just let the letters trail off of the board. Your opponents will be outraged that you have cheated and ruined the game with your crooked shenanigans. You have basically just wasted an hour of their lives, but it's all right. Some day they'll thank you for it.
6pm
It's been a long day, and the dirty looks you are getting from your family are making you miss the peace and quiet of your own home. Just hang in there, though, because your work is almost done.
While no one is looking, take a few small pieces of turkey from the fridge and put them into the empty pill bottle that you brought with you. Find someone who is drinking coffee and remark "You're drinking coffee this late?" After they inform you that it's decaf, follow up with "Well, it you're worried about falling asleep tonight you could have a couple of these pills that I take whenever I can't sleep". At this point take out the Tryptophan pill bottle and pull out a few pieces of turkey to offer to them. Make sure the inscribed "Tryptophan" is plainly visible to them. When they refuse to eat some, pop a couple pieces in your own mouth, put the bottle back I your pocket and then pretend to fall asleep immediately. By now your family members will be so sick of you that they will probably just ignore you.
While fake sleeping, congratulate yourself. Mission Accomplished.
7pm
As you make your exit, be sure to leave the same way you entered, spouting "Happy Tryptophan Day!" to everyone in earshot. At this point your entire family will probably be so sick of the word "tryptophan" that they will cringe every time they hear someone say it over the next few years. You can bet that the next time your family gathers over the holiday bird, they won't be throwing around the 'T' word so liberally anymore. Sure, someone will probably mention how crazy you went back in 2006 with "the tryptophan thing", but mostly they'll all try to forget it and move on with their lives.
As for you, well, you can feel good that you helped shake the word "tryptophan" right out of your family tree. In fact, I'm thinking that next year we can try to remove another annoying buzzword from the holiday lexicon. The early favorite right now is "Black Friday" but I'm open to suggestions. If you have any, send them along to me at oldmantryptophan@gmail.com.
Happy Tryptophan Day Everyone!